I am desperate for God. I am completely and utterly lost without God in my life. Yet I have struggled my entire relationship with Christ and I have felt it to be a constant struggle to get ahead. I hear God’s Word and get so excited and motivated, then all of a sudden its gone. But when I hear or study it, it like I look at myself in the mirror, turn away and immediately forget who I am (James 1:22-24).
A few years ago I went through a major spiritual battle, that I wasn’t even sure who I was anymore. I started to question my faith and wonder if I was ever really truly saved. I never once denied there was a God, I knew God existed and knew God was there with me, even when I didn’t feel him. But I always wonder, why me? Why would Jesus die for someone like me who has time and time again denied him and ran away from him. But I am reminded by a series of dreams I had when I first became a Christian when i was 16.
I had a series of dreams, which seemed almost prophetic at the time. I still remember them very clearly and vividly. I know these dreams were from God, because I couldn’t even tell you if I even had a dream a few nights ago!
I had a dream where I had died and went to Heaven. When I got to Heaven, the people I met were so excited I was there! It’s like I had known these people my entire life. Someone grabbed my hand and told me we had to worship, I was SO excited that I got to FINALLY worship Jesus in Heaven!! After an amazing worship experience, we walked out of the church (apparently we still go to church in Heaven?), and as I was talking to people a voice quietly told me, “Now is not your time to be here. But now that you have experienced Heaven I am going to send you back and experience what it would be like if you had never met Me.” Immediately i was back at home, in my back yard. There was war going on, houses destroyed everywhere. I could hear the gun fire, the airplanes flying over head and people all around me screaming. I felt so alone and scared and desperate to feel even a tiny ounce of God’s presence. I fell to my knees begging God to take me back and I was sorry for my sins and transgression. .Things cleared up and I woke up, it was just a dream.
This dream revealed so much to me how important my relationship with God is. I still remember this dream and i had that dream almost 15 years ago.
In another dream, it was a dream I had many times. In the dream I was running from something (God), and I heard a voice that kept saying “Come back, stop running from me, it’s never too late to come back’. That voice was so gentle and sweet yet desperate for me, to stop running. But I kept running anyway, and a big hole would open in the earth and i would be falling into complete darkness with no end, STILL running. But the gentle voice kept saying, “it’s not too late, its never too late”. I would never find the bottom of the hole, but i would wake up before I hit rock bottom.
Much comparable to me previous post about running with God, this dream really lines up with that. Sometimes we are running so far ahead in our selfish ambition we forget we are running with God and run from him instead. God is desperate for us, we should be as desperate for him as he is for us.
The amazing thing about all of this is God’s Grace. His Grace is always enough. He loves us, SO MUCH! He is desperate for us and I know if I didn’t have him I would be lost and desperate without him. He loves us SO MUCH that he sent his one and only Son to come to earth to be a Living Sacrifice for our sins (John 3:16).